Tuesday, September 7, 2010

Being Mindful Of Impermanence With An Impending Divorce

"Keep the concept of impermanence in mind and maintain an awareness of assembled phenomena. I am aware of interdependence, being able to recognize this interdependence, I recognize impermanence." This is what I say and remind myself of on a daily basis.

As I've come to understand, feelings as in e.g. shame and warmth are different than emotions, e.g. anger and joy. Siddhartha discovered that at the root, it is our emotions that lead to suffering and in fact they are suffering. One way or another, directly or indirectly, all emotions are born from selfishness in the sense of clinging to the self. Emotions arise when particular causes and conditions come together, such as when you are quick to think that someone is criticizing you or ignoring you. Then is when the corresponding emotions arise. The moment we accept those emotions, buy into them, we have lost awareness and sanity. For Siddhartha the resolute for this was awareness. In essence, tend to your emotions and learn how to avoid getting "worked up".

For me, having this awareness also requires that I practice it. At this particular time in my life divorce seems to be the inevitable for my marriage. I was just told yesterday by my husband that he was going to ask for a divorce the night I told him I was pregnant. This was over two years ago now. There is also documentation from a year a half ago when I was four months postpartum, sleep deprived and alone with this new human being of something I allegedly said and did towards myself. Let me be very clear : I have NEVER thought of harming my son in Any way shape or form. He was wished for and loved the first time I knew of him and I would lay down my life for my child. Yes, I cry when I'm exhausted any one close to me will concur. They will also tell you I am open and will verbalize how I am feeling. ( So maybe think twice before you ask me "how I'm doing" you may not want to hear my answer :)

Observing the hurt that arises then evaporates, the anger that comes in tidal waves as it hits the shore to ever so calmly recede back, feelings of shame that my mind has created with thoughts of "not doing enough or being enough" enter then exist, the warmth that I feel when my son smiles and waves to me at the top of the slide has came and went. As with everything, emotions and feelings are always in flux.

As information has been gathered to try and bring question to my mental and emotional sanity (which I'm told will not be used against me?), we will take a quick look down memory lane. I took Lexapro for a couple months after I birthed a still born son a few years ago, yes, I was depressed for that year. As of a month ago I have a police report against me for domestic violence that my husband filed. I slapped him a few times (I did have the sense to put my son in his room and shut the door so he wouldn't see before physically going after his father). I was wrong for acting out in such a way. No amount of anger, verbal attacks, in your face finger waving constitutes such behavior. These two examples don't put me in the best light and I can probably guess correctly in that there is documentation of my other not so stellar moments that I may not even be aware of.

Why share these not so nice moments with you? I have no fear in showing myself. I don't cover things up and make them pretty. If something is cause for concern I confront the person or issue. I don't go about as if nothing happened and file it away just in case it gives me some sort of future gain. I require honesty from myself and if you ask I will tell you. I have nothing to hide. I'm not perfect and don't pretend to be.

Does part my fault lie in the fact that I am honest with my feelings and people don't care to hear it or that I allow myself to openly cry when I'm sad, hurt, angry, frustrated or just plain tired. Is it somehow better to harbor feelings, turn a blind eye and pick up a gambling habit because one doesn't know how to cope?

So as I prepare for the worst and hope for the best. My heart is broken but remains open. I forgive easily.   Being mindful of what Siddhartha has said on impermanence, I can but only diligently practice and continue to remind myself of these things. Some days I will fair well and other days fail, as you have come know. There is a beginning, a middle, and an end to everything, and of all the things out there, personal relationships are the most volatile and a perfect example of impermanence.

As always I welcome your comments.


  1. Amen sister! I am an open book as well. Sometimes I think I should not always wear my heart on my sleeve, tell my thoughts aloud, & try to cover the fact that my face tells my emotion. I am who I am...& I am not ashamed & I will tell you anything you want to know about me. I have experienced a lot in my life & it has only made me a stronger female! Hear me ROAR!!!

  2. You are an amazing woman & mother. I love you!

  3. Stefanie you are just an amazing person. Coming from one open book to another, noone is perfect, but the advantage you and I have, people can take it or leave it, we don't care!!! We will raise strong independent children who do not rely on others to reassure their worth or to give them confidence in a society so rampant with rejection. Embrace your strengths and your weaknesses.

    My husband would have a wonderful time speaking with yours I'm sure. Because I too, have smacked the shit out of him on any given day. Not proud of it, but it happens. While I am maturing a little each day and hope that I can gain some self control, I doubt that maturity will change who I am.

    It is refreshing to read your honest post and I just wanted to give you Kudos and let you know, you are NOT ALONE!